i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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