I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize