Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
