I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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