omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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