may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize