well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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