every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
He shit in the fireplace
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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