You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Randomize
