apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
