We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
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