Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
