so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
