My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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