the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
