uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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