I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
