oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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