my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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