smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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