If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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