I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
