There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
