Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Randomize
