I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
