Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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