my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
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