I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
