Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
