Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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