Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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