He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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