you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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