My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
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