Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
she told me i tasted like america
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
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