my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
