One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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