so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
