That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
