Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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