Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize