My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
