new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
