I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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