I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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