its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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