I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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