Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
