Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Randomize
