We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
