Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Well I just put wine in my tea
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
