The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
