Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
