I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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