I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
