Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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