A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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